A Time For Change

No, this post isnt going to be political. I promise. I know Ive been neglecting the blog lately and I apologize. Im determined to keep it going this time around. I want to start off on the right foot and in doing so Im going to be sharing with you. Things I dont normally share with anyone. Im doing this in hopes of maybe helping someone out there and maybe keeping myself motivated.
Almost every single year on January 1st we all make resolutions that we usually break in the first weeks. This year its going to be different. How? We're not doing resolutions this year. We're making goals. Multiple short term goals to reach a larger long term goal. My goal this year is to get myself on the right track. My main goal is weight control.
As I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day I shared things with her that I have never shared with anyone else. Until now. Im going to share that with you in hopes that someone out there who might happen to read this can relate (not that I would wish this on anyone) but in being able to relate they can get some inspiration out of it.
Im not a small person. Im not even medium. I dont think mcdonalds even serves anything in my size! All joking aside though, I have come to see myself as others see me. Not for what qualities I have or what I could possibly have to offer people. Im not invisible. Far the opposite. People dont see me for me, they see me as the fat chick that should be ashamed to leave home. Sure enough, its true. I hate being stuck at home, but at the same time I am ashamed to go outside. I usually go through everything in my closet before deciding on something that makes me feel like I can blend into the crowd.
A while back I found myself in a thrift shop. I was looking for things I could use my crafty ideas on for our new home we had just bought. I have a serious addiction to books. I came across a massive selection of books so I had to stop and see what all was there. I had found a whole arm load of books and found myself squating almost sitting on the floor to look through the bottom shelves. I was in my own little word, I honestly cant remember having a care in the world at that particular point. Just as quickly as it started, it ended. Behind me I heard a couple teenage girls whispering and laughing. I dont know what they were whispering about but a sense of embarassment and shame took over me. I felt like they were whispering about me. Laughing at me. I quickly got up, gathered up my books and headed for the register. I quickly checked out and left the store.
Last December, I found myself needing an outfit desperately in very very short notice. I had a wedding I needed to attend later that afternoon. I checked multiple shops and made a last stop at Wal-Mart. Blaine was with me and trying to help me find something quickly so we could get back and get ready. Not a single store had anything in my size. I got so frustrated that I found my eyes filling with tears. I tried my best to hide it as I passed people coming into the store as I was leaving, empty handed.
Ive been rejected, laughed at, whispered about and disregarded so much I am now doing it to myself. I find myself at times ashamed for my own husband to see any part of me. No matter how much he tells me he loves me or that Im perfect just the way I am or any other compliment, I cant take it. I dont see it. I dont believe it. Im tired. Im tired of being so down on myself and Im tired of being a joke to everyone. Tired of everyone telling me Im bigger than they are. Giving me things because they have lost weight and it no longer fits, so lets give it to the fat chick!
As I was talking to my friend and telling her these things, she had one thing to say that truly stuck out to me, more so than anything else. "Do something about it". So I'm doing it. Starting now. And I hope that as I write you will find that if you are in this position too, you will know you arent alone. That you can do this. We'll do it together.
So if you want to get healthy, make the call to your doctor and get a checkup. Talk with your doctor about starting a routine for lifestyle changes. This isnt a diet so dont think of it as such.

There are many other things to come to this blog as well, so there will be something for everyone, I hope, if anyone ever comes across it to read! lol and just for the record, Kelly...thank you!